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The Eight Symptoms of Parental Alienation: The Reflexive Support of the Alienating Parent in the Parental Conflict

3/24/2017

 
This is the fifth in a series of post devoted to the symptoms of Parental Alienation Syndrome as originally described by Richard Gardner, MD. You can read the first post here. 

The fifth symptom is Reflexive Support of the Alienating Parent in the Parental Conflict.

Within the context of parental dispute, be it divorce or post divorce, unless there as been actual abuse and or neglect in the extreme, children will typically contort themselves to not takes sides in the parental dispute. If a child feels one parent is being ganged up on in some way, they will often go to their aid and support their position. 
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This reaction is certainly common but not universal. In cases where abuse has been present, one may see the child taking the side against the abuser, however this is still more the exception than the rule. However when abuse is not present, this reflex to take one parent’s side will simply not be absent.

Suffice it to say, children like to stay out of the middle of their parents disputes. They want nothing to do with it, and will typically head for their rooms or some other exit to get away from it.

One of the reasons for this reflex of avoidance of parental conflict is the possibility that they may get drawn into it. If, for example, during an argument between two parents, one parent looks at the child and asks for confirmation of their position, any such confirmation will typically represent a betrayal of the other parent. Again, this is something that children will contort themselves to avoid.

It is from this backdrop then, that this symptom of Reflexive Support of the Alienating Parent in the Parental Conflict finds its greatest resonance.

When an alienated child actively and even aggressively takes whatever position that the alienating parent takes, we can see how unnatural this is. When this symptom is present, the alienated child will support even the most absurd position if it is offered by the alienating parent. In group settings or family counseling settings, even when the child is offered indisputable proof that the position of the alienating parent is impossible, they will continue to support it.

It is under these extreme circumstances that the depth of the pathology of alienation is exposed.

As Gardner originally described, the parental alienation dynamic is a fear driven phenomenon. That is the alienated child is fearful of displeasing the alienating parent, and this fear is at the core of alienation. As this process takes root and grows, this fear of the alienating parent operates something like the fear of reprisal that a gang member would feel if he or she disobeyed the group.

When we are speaking about children and the “gang” is a parent with whom they spend most if not all of their time, the fear is palpable. It is this level of fear and its consequent “identification with the aggressor” or alienating parent, that drives the pathological behavior and distorted thinking of the alienated child. This symptom is one very clear expression of this.

This symptom can be baffling and dangerously distorting to the naive custody evaluator who is not familiar with parental alienation. Under this circumstance, they are likely to take what the alienated child says at face value.

This symptom is therefore very important for the evaluator, the guardian or whomever else the court should appoint to help determine the best interest of the child to understand.

As with the previous posts, I would appreciate any feedback regarding this symptom. 

Parental Alienation Education for Attorneys

Effective litigation can change the face of Parental Alienation. The National Association of Parental Alienation Specialists, of which I am Co-Founder, has launched a new online workshop - "Litigating Family Law Cases with Parental Alienation" - please help us to spread the word about this FL Bar approved workshop by sharing this link with your attorney, and others specializing in Family Law. ​​

Howard Beale
3/27/2017 10:04:30 pm

I have just received a custody evaluation report by in house court social worker. Gets it completely backwards. She finds that the mother is too unassertive to be able to alienate child and lacks parental authority to even facilitate court ordered phone calls without 12yo child's cooperation. Child is observed teaching her mother how to play cards in the joint interview and tells interviewer how she like to hang out with her "buddy" mum but is not parentified. The estranged husband who is not a party and has not filed any material just happens to turn up at lunchtime to included in the assessment and found to be perfect dad more of protective influence for child than real father. He is a religious fanatic who successfully alienated his own child to reject the mother and live with him. Child to live with mother, 2hrs supervised per fornight with father. Child has runaway from extreme squalor and neglect in the mother's house with no electricity or gas to live with me. The mother stopped contact the next weekend as being mature child's wish weeks after her 12th birthday. There is something very wrong here.

Patty simmOns
4/5/2018 02:43:06 pm

Man wish some therapist would be trained in this .my daughter is going to a therapist and she is clueless this is happening right under her nose causing more stress to child and she is drugging child

karen horton
5/3/2018 05:34:04 am

I have just won my case on PA 1 month ago.....How do I go about fixing this problem.This is embedded in my child...now just 16 (son)

Dr Cora Stack
7/8/2018 11:07:10 pm

I have studied this extensively and have huge admiration for the work that is being done here to high light this appalling injustice to children and parents. Perhaps this is a consequence of martial breakdown
and more should be done to save the marriage and reduce the alienation caused by this... it is indeed appalling to see how poorly understood this is by litegators legislators and the courts..

Michael j Bone
5/10/2019 12:33:29 am

hi Michael. we have the same name, but live in not the same country. My parents never had a dispute. But they never actually raised me either. raised me as in gave me a roadmap, a template, a set of guide lines, do's & dont's. anything pertaining to how to navigate life with confidence, empowerment & resilience. how to AVOID CERTAIN TYPES AND GRAVITATE TO OTHERS. my mother was too exhausted after raising my sisters and my father thought raising children was a women's domain. therefore i raised myself by learning photography and cross-pollinating wisdom from that craft into life. not easy michael and not a perfect solution but the best i had. learning life on the fly. I wish that my parents had raised the ugly spectre of hatred. because ill tell you the hatred of me has defined my life and curtailed my ability to plan a future and live big, chase my dreams. etc. time is running out. australia is where i exist


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    J. Michael Bone, PhD.

    Dr. Bone is an experienced consultant for cases involving Parental Alienation and has spent over 25 years working with high conflict divorce as a therapist, expert witness, mediator, evaluator and consultant, both nationally and internationally. 

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